Like kids in a metaphor

I have two serious journal entries to make, but I’m too tired to make them now, so I’ll just talk about TEH CANDY STORE. Those following closely (collect all n!) will want to remind me to post about Andrina and about whistle dorks, should I forget in the next few days. I also can’t make serious posts because I’m on a big SUGAR HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH, which I shall explain.

I went out for dinner with Schwern tonight. We tried to go to a tex-mexxy place in the Market, but there was a half-hour wait. A half hour! We don’t want to wait a half hour! So off we go strolling around the market for fifteen minutes (you see this coming?) to find another place to eat. We found a little Italian place that seemed suitable.

It was so loud. I guess that’s what happens when you have plaster walls, a plaster ceiling, a tile floor, and hard tables and chairs. Lots of thought went into that design, yessirree. The food was okay, except that it took about forty-five minutes to arrive (you saw this coming.) because of some screwup in the kitchen. So we saved all of NEGATIVE THIRTY MINUTES by not waiting at the Blue Cactus. Oh well.

Satisfactory yet unremarkable meal complete, we went to Oh So Good! for dessert. (Those not familiar with Ottawa will want to ensure that they understand the difference between So Good, the Chinese restaurant, and Oh So Good!, the dessert bar, before visiting either, to avoid the possibility of misunderstandings.) Very good cake, but a little on the rich side.

So, having had our fill of dessert, we walked toward the car, and encountered TEH CANDY STORE! In we go, like kids in a metaphor. Because what better after a rich dessert than to walk around surrounded by candy?

One thing I noticed about this candy shop was that they had all sorts of things that were a staple in my childhood that I haven’t seen since. Freshen-Up gum, Thrills (described on the bin as “Tastes like soap!”), Tubble Gum, that flat thin neapolitan toffee, Big Turk, pink elephant popcorn, Nerds, and so forth. One common trend was realizing that while it was indeed interesting to see these things again, none of them were actually something I’d want to put in my mouth now. The exception to this was Bottle Caps, which are as good as I remembered, although they seem much smaller now.

The label on the peanut-butter bars bin was “They float!”. I meant to get one to try, but forgot.

I bought a lot of Jelly Belly jelly beans. The sign on the wall reads “40 Flavors!”. The mixed-bunch bin reads “39 Flavor Mix”.

Oho! A mystery!

Schwern and I immediately started hypothesizing on the missing flavor. We looked through the list of flavors to determine the one that you wouldn’t want to encounter in a mixed bag of jelly beans, and settled on Buttered Popcorn. The girl behind the counter informed us that the missing flavor was Jalapeno. We agreed that that was a better flavor to avoid encountering in a mixed bag of jelly beans. However, they include Buttered Popcorn, which I maintain is still a flavor to avoid encountering in a mixed bag of jelly beans.

I have bad news. There are no more Popeye Candy Cigarettes. There are Popeye Candy Sticks! They no longer have one end “lit”. I tell ya, sometimes things can be oversanitized. They’re just flavorless white sticks now.

Beside the Candy Sticks were cans labeled “Popeye Spinach”. It took us a moment to realize that the cans actually contained spinach. I’ve no idea who came up with the great idea of selling spinach in a candy store.

I bought some candy hearts. It’s strange to read candy hearts with messages on them that aren’t parody. However, the one I pulled out just now read “NEXT TIME”. It’s sweet, though, not bitter as one would expect. They also look like they were printed with a 9-pin dot matrix printer. I wonder how they fit them in.

I bought triple-salt licorice! Yow! I’m afraid to try it, although I’ve had a couple pieces of double-salt in the last half hour and have pretty much hit my salt licorice quota for the year.

I bought a bottle of Jones Soda, “fun” flavor. I was disappointed to see that the flavor that was formerly called “Pink” is now called “Strawberry Cream”. The hell? Did someone at Jones grow up? Keep “fun” away from that guy!

So Schwern and I left with $35 and $15 in candy respectively. The nice part about being an adult is that you can do this. The bag they put everyting in reads, “I bought my candy at Sugar Mountain, and you can’t have any.” To drive this point home, the bag is clear, so everyone can see what they can’t have. I like this place.

I suggested we eat our triple-salt licorice on our return to the car, but it was immediately understood that that was a bad idea, and nothing more was said on it.


(Mommy! I feel sick!)

2 responses to “Like kids in a metaphor”

  1. Yeah, we used to have Sugar Mountain here, but they lost out to our Local Sugar Purveyors, the Candy Aisle.

    The Candy Aisle guys have not only old and obscure candy from childhoods immemoriam, they also will order in things you don’t see there, and they have a HUUUUGE collection of british candy. GARMP. So, I can buy big boxes of Violet Crumbles (which, let me tell you, are about 100% better than Crunchie Bars).

    I can’t believe Schwern was in a hurry. When he was here, it took him four hours to get ready to go anywhere. Maybe he’s turning into a speed freak. =D