nrrd on #memepool and I were looking up some expensive things on Amazon, and I felt a blog post coming on, so here you have it: the most expensive things in every Amazon category.

Books: Super Bowl Opus MVP Edition (Leather Bound), $40,000 (with free shipping!). The second-most expensive “book” is a $12,000 collection of 201 psychology books.

DVDs: Mapping Your Value Stream, $280. DVDs are the great equalizer, apparently. This is a business logistics course on DVD. I stand corrected: Essential Art House – 50 Years of Janus Films, a 50-DVD collection for $764.99. Still, that’s only $15 per DVD!

Music: Luminous Arc: Music from the game, $6,442.99. The soundtrack to a Nintendo DS game that’s going to be released later this year.

Magazines: Comprehensive Data Base of US Chemical Patents. 12 months for $71,722. I knew this would end up being something other than what normal people consider magazines.

Toys: A city-park-size playground system for $32,229.59. The most expensive toy for a single child is an electric monster truck for $13,800. For that I bet the kid would have more fun with a real, yet not monster, truck.

Video games: A Playstation 3 60GB bundle for $799. No surprise there.

Audio-Video Electronics: A grandfather clock for $12,463.50. You were expecting a big TV? You’re wondering why a grandfather clock is Audio-Video Electronics? How about that.

Camera and Photo: A high-speed sheet-feed scanner for $14,805. I’m really surprised there’s no actual camera equipment up in that range.

Musical Instruments: Gulbransen Bottle Organ, $33,150. Now that’s the kind of thing I want to see as the most expensive thing in a category! The runners-up here are big outdoor searchlights, like you’d expect at a theatre opening, and a $17,500 violin-playing robot.

Electronics: HP StorageWorks SDLT Tape Library, $351,816. 400 tapes, 16 drives, 3.2TB capacity.

Computers and PC Hardware: The same HP tape library. Clearly no-one is paying attention to the category names at Amazon, what with this and the grandfather clock.

Office supplies: The same stupid tape library. #2 is an online coffee and chocolate business for sale for $55,000 (one used or new, hah).

Computer software: Cisco Security Agent, 100-license pack, for $64,274.84. Please excuse the computer-related doldrums, it gets more interesting shortly.

Automotive: A JIC EK2D1-TI res Spartan DE Type 1 TI Exhaust System for a 2dr 1996-2000 Honda Civic for… $891,480. I don’t understand either. #2 is an actual physical auto parts store for sale for $750,000.

Industrial and Scientific: a 3-Axis CNC Milling Machine for $22,195. From the photo I see that this is the thing you strap Bond to when you expect him to die.

Tools and Hardware: The number 9, for $254,623. So far I’ve been leaving out things that were mis-entered but that one was too weird not to share. The most expensive correctly-entered thing in this category is a $81,890 Thawzall construction site heater, although there’s also a notable $60,000 chandelier.

Gourmet Food: 4 lbs Russian Beluga Caviar for $10,560. I was expecting something even more ridiculous, but ok.

Grocery: Skin cream for $340, but that’s boring. How about 25 lbs of Altoids for $337? 22 lbs of chocolate powder for $313? (Gourmet Food and Grocery? Classist!)

Pet Supplies: Giant parrot cage for $3886.61. The cage is big. Standard parrots.

Bed and Bath: Egyptian cotton eiderdown comforter, $9435.99.

Fresh Flowers and Plants: 12 months of roses for $495. I think they’d get old fast.

Furniture & Décor: “Goddard replica“, $9,999,999. I’m not sure what it’s a replica of, but I’m betting it’s not the entire space research complex. If that seems a bit too much, then there’s a $999,999 space rock paperweight. Incidentally Amazon themselves put the accent on the “e” in “Décor”.

(Right now I’m going “Holy cow, why did I start this? And why am I continuing?” But continue I do, for you, the reader.)

Home and Garden: Like a crazy top-ten list, this gets us the Goddard replica, the space rock paperweight, and the number 9! Other than those, there’s a $99,999 solar cell and an $85,000 antique 1840s Russian glass paperweight.

Outdoor Living: 10×18 Log Wedding Chapel with Wooden Roof, $20,319.97. Now this is the kind of ridiculous-but-not-impossible thing I wanted to find on a list of Amazon’s most expensive things. But a wedding chapel really ought to cost twenty grand, right? So there’s also a $14,662 barbecue grill that you could use beside your $13,997 tiki hut.

Apparel: Space suit, $999,999. I think they’re pulling my leg, though, so skipping over the jewelry that is in the wrong category, we have a $40,000 fur coat from WEBFURS. You know, if you’d asked me what WEBFURS was, I wouldn’t have guessed “fur coat company”.

Jewelry and Watches: This category got things started on IRC! #1 is a 7.12 carat diamond for $495,830. But that’s only potential jewelry, so there’s also a $225,000 Cartier tank watch with diamond band. Would you believe that the movement on that Cartier is quartz?

Shoes: Dolce and Gabbana boots, $1,596. That was disappointing.

Beauty: a Nicole Chignon Swarovski hairbun holder for $1700 which is clearly not a beauty product. #2 is a limited-edition 15ml bottle of Lalique Deux Coeurs perfume for $1600.

Health and Personal Care: 24-station home fitness centre, $39,999.

Kids and Baby: Grim Reaper on Skeleton Horseback Lifesize Prop, $2,995. In case your kids were turning out too well-adjusted.

Baby (which is apparently subtly different from “Kids and Baby”): Kensington traditional pram, $2,995. Boy, tough call between that and the grim reaper.

Exercise and Fitness: The same fitness centre as in Health and Personal Care. A bit down the list is a $25,187 jacuzzi spa with built-in flat panel TV.

Sporting Goods: Football arcade game, with real football-throwing, for $88,550. #2 is an extremely dorky golf cart for $77,988.

Thank God, it’s done. That was a lot of work with remarkably few lols. Ah, well, now you know not to try it yourselves!

(Edit: I’ve been linked from The Consumerist and Boing Boing! Hello, new people! And hello, mefites!)